What to wear when you visit the IRS

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer. He told him of the conflicting advice he had received,and asked what he should do. Let me tell you a story,” replied the Rabbi.

“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.’ But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: ‘Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.” The man did not understand:

“But Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?” “It doesn’t matter what you wear,” replied the Rabbi, “You’re going to get screwed.”

His Story, Her Story

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he’s STILL acting a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something else.

I ask him, and he says no. But you know I’m not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I’m wondering if he’s going to dump me!

So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I’m going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else?

HIS STORY:
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

Helpful Tips

1. Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

2. Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

3. To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

4. To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

5. Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won’t stick to your fingers.

6. To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

7. To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.

8. Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains.

9. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

10. If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up.”

11. Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

12. Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

13. Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

14. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness.

15. To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

16. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

17. Don’t throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

18. If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

19. Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

20. To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.

21. Ants, ants, ants everywhere … Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

22. Use air freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

23. When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

24. Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

25. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

26. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

27. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

28. Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar – Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.

29. Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely) information on to a friend or two.

Hawkeye One-Liners

Q: Where was O.J. Simpson headed in the White Bronco?
A: Iowa City, Iowa. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.

Q: What do they call duct tape in Iowa City?
A: Chrome.

Q: Did you hear the Iowa library burned down?
A: The saddest part was that half the books weren’t colored in yet.

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Iowa home games?
A: Because the senior who knew the recipe graduated.

Q: How do you keep an Iowa Hawkeye out of your yard?
A: Put up goalposts.

Q: Did you hear about the Iowa Hawkeye with a personalized license plate ?
A: He made it in prison.

Q: Did you hear that the U of I president’s mansion burned down?
A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Q: How do you get an Iowa graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: How many Iowa freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.

A man walked into a doctor’s office. The doctor looked him over and diagnosed him with cancer. The doctor then said that the man only has 1 year to live. The man asked what he could do to make his life any longer. The doctor said, “Well, you could become an Iowa Hawkeye fan because that will be the longest year of your life.”

Dear Ann Landers (Hawkeye Fan)

Dear Ann Landers,

I am a sailor in the U.S. Navy. My parents live in Des Moines, and one of my sisters, who now lives in Lincoln, Nebraska, is married to a real estate agent who is a former football player for the Iowa Hawkeyes in Iowa City. They have three beautiful children and are doing quite well.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a life sentence in Leavenworth Federal Prison for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in State Prison on remand for charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who, indeed, is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel. However, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully off the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her…

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Hawkeye?

George Costanza’s Tips for Working Hard

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught – your best defence is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: “Ignore my last message. I took care of it”. If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” – a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc…) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake.

Florida Bumperstickers (Voting)

Don’t Blame Me – I voted for Gore… I Think

My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President

Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo

DON’T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE……..
LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU

To you I’m a drunk driver; to my friends, I’m presidential material!

One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)

I DIDN’T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER

IT AIN’T OVER ‘TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES

The election can’t be broken. We just fixed it.

The skies (wheeze) of Texas (cough) are upon you! (choke)

George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had

The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the
desert for 40 years

Female Language

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.

NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with a huffy “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH): This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

(SOFT SIGH): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. OH!: This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that.” Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest. exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and “Go ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT’S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s OK” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. “That’s OK” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s OK.”

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, “You’re welcome.”

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A LOT,” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only say “Nothing.”

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings…

Never give up

The Donkey and the Well One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, my friend, all kinds of dirt. The trick is to shake it off and take a step up. Each trouble is a stepping stone. So don’t stop! Never give up! Shake it off and take a step up!

The Dilemma

The answer is below…

You are driving along on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman who is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man/woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose, knowing that there could ONLY be one passenger in your car? You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and therefore you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he/she once saved your life, and this would be the perfect opportunity to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream man/woman again. What do you do???

The Answer:
While there is no “correct” answer. The “ideal” answer is to give the car keys to the old friend, and let him/her take the old woman to the hospital. Stay behind and wait for the bus with the man/woman of your dreams. Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations (think outside the box). You are not always the victim in life, most of the time you are the victor looking at the situation from the wrong view! The view is yours to choose.