Hawkeye One-Liners

Q: Where was O.J. Simpson headed in the White Bronco?
A: Iowa City, Iowa. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.

Q: What do they call duct tape in Iowa City?
A: Chrome.

Q: Did you hear the Iowa library burned down?
A: The saddest part was that half the books weren’t colored in yet.

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Iowa home games?
A: Because the senior who knew the recipe graduated.

Q: How do you keep an Iowa Hawkeye out of your yard?
A: Put up goalposts.

Q: Did you hear about the Iowa Hawkeye with a personalized license plate ?
A: He made it in prison.

Q: Did you hear that the U of I president’s mansion burned down?
A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Q: How do you get an Iowa graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: How many Iowa freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.

A man walked into a doctor’s office. The doctor looked him over and diagnosed him with cancer. The doctor then said that the man only has 1 year to live. The man asked what he could do to make his life any longer. The doctor said, “Well, you could become an Iowa Hawkeye fan because that will be the longest year of your life.”

Dear Ann Landers (Hawkeye Fan)

Dear Ann Landers,

I am a sailor in the U.S. Navy. My parents live in Des Moines, and one of my sisters, who now lives in Lincoln, Nebraska, is married to a real estate agent who is a former football player for the Iowa Hawkeyes in Iowa City. They have three beautiful children and are doing quite well.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a life sentence in Leavenworth Federal Prison for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in State Prison on remand for charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who, indeed, is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel. However, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully off the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her…

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Hawkeye?

George Costanza’s Tips for Working Hard

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught – your best defence is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: “Ignore my last message. I took care of it”. If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” – a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc…) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake.

Florida Bumperstickers (Voting)

Don’t Blame Me – I voted for Gore… I Think

My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President

Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo

DON’T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE……..
LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU

To you I’m a drunk driver; to my friends, I’m presidential material!

One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)

I DIDN’T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER

IT AIN’T OVER ‘TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES

The election can’t be broken. We just fixed it.

The skies (wheeze) of Texas (cough) are upon you! (choke)

George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had

The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the
desert for 40 years

Female Language

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.

NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with a huffy “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH): This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

(SOFT SIGH): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. OH!: This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that.” Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest. exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and “Go ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT’S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s OK” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. “That’s OK” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s OK.”

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, “You’re welcome.”

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A LOT,” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only say “Nothing.”

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings…

Never give up

The Donkey and the Well One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, my friend, all kinds of dirt. The trick is to shake it off and take a step up. Each trouble is a stepping stone. So don’t stop! Never give up! Shake it off and take a step up!

The Dilemma

The answer is below…

You are driving along on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman who is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man/woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose, knowing that there could ONLY be one passenger in your car? You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and therefore you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he/she once saved your life, and this would be the perfect opportunity to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream man/woman again. What do you do???

The Answer:
While there is no “correct” answer. The “ideal” answer is to give the car keys to the old friend, and let him/her take the old woman to the hospital. Stay behind and wait for the bus with the man/woman of your dreams. Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations (think outside the box). You are not always the victim in life, most of the time you are the victor looking at the situation from the wrong view! The view is yours to choose.

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN (by Dave Barry)

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 19. Your friends love you, anyway.

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters – who had to bear the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

==

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

==

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

==

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you’ve
forgotten?

==

Q: How old is your son, the one living with
you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t
remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

==

Q: What was the first thing your husband
said to you when he woke up
at morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

==

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he
doesn’t know about it until the next
morning?

==

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old,
how old is he?

==

Q: Were you present when your picture was
taken?

==

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

==

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

==

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

==

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a
beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

==

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.

==

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
A: Oral.

==

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an
autopsy.

==

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

==

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been
alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

More of the Joy of children

THE PHOTOGRAPH
“I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. “Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror—wearing nothing but a camera!”

MY FOOTSTEPS?
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr.Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

THUMB SUCKING
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.” Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh .. I know what you’ve been doing.”

THE LORD’S PRAYER
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord’s prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. “Lead us not into temptation, ” she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.”

SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”