Notes From An Inxperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish to other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.
Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirtis covered with chili that slid unnoticed from my mouth and pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Fuck it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the fucking 4inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Take this test. Let’s see how good you are on “COMMON KNOWLEDGE.” No cheating! No looking around. No using anything on or in your desk. Can you beat 18 right? (The average.) Write down your answers and check vs. the correct answers (which are at the bottom of this e-mail), after completing all the questions. Remember now: No Cheating!
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? (Don’t laugh, some people don’t know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty’s torch?
4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell’s soup label?
5. What 2 letters don’t appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)
6. What 2 numbers on the telephone dial don’t have letters by them?
7. When you walk, does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter- or clockwise?
12. Which way does a “no smoking” sign’s slash-mark run – towards the bottom right or bottom left?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women’s blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who’s missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
25. On which playing card is the cardmaker’s trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts
the opening between the slats?
27. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols
bear no digits?
29. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter- or clockwise?
Don’t look at answers until you complete all the questions:
2. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!)
4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold
5. Q, Z
6. 1, 0
11. Counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator)
12. Towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
16. Clockwise as you look at it
24. Did you notice there was no # 24?
25. Ace of spades
28. *, #
So how did you do?
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,”Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy’s.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought “CarNT”, but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same-sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask “are you sure?” before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
An Iowa State Cyclone fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Iowa Hawkeye fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their obnoxious black and gold colors.
He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and then he would swerve back on the road just before hitting them. One day, as the van driver was driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over.
He asked the priest “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to give Mass at St. John Neuman’s Church, about five miles down the road,” replied the priest.
“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in!”
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the van continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Hawkeye fan strutting down the road, and instinctively, he swerved as if to hit him.
But as usual, just in time, he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the guy. Even though he was certain he missed the guy, he still heard a loud “THUD.” Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, but he didn’t see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit that Iowa Hawkeye fan.”
“That’s OK” replied the priest. “I got him with the door.”
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he’s STILL acting a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something else.
I ask him, and he says no. But you know I’m not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I’m wondering if he’s going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I’m going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else?
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.
1. Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
2. Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
3. To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
4. To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
5. Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won’t stick to your fingers.
6. To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
7. To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.
8. Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains.
9. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
10. If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up.”
11. Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
12. Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
13. Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
14. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness.
15. To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
16. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
17. Don’t throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
18. If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
19. Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
20. To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
21. Ants, ants, ants everywhere … Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
22. Use air freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
23. When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
24. Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
25. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
26. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
27. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
28. Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar – Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
29. Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely) information on to a friend or two.
Q: Where was O.J. Simpson headed in the White Bronco?
A: Iowa City, Iowa. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.
Q: What do they call duct tape in Iowa City?
Q: Did you hear the Iowa library burned down?
A: The saddest part was that half the books weren’t colored in yet.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Iowa home games?
A: Because the senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Q: How do you keep an Iowa Hawkeye out of your yard?
A: Put up goalposts.
Q: Did you hear about the Iowa Hawkeye with a personalized license plate ?
A: He made it in prison.
Q: Did you hear that the U of I president’s mansion burned down?
A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q: How do you get an Iowa graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: How many Iowa freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.
A man walked into a doctor’s office. The doctor looked him over and diagnosed him with cancer. The doctor then said that the man only has 1 year to live. The man asked what he could do to make his life any longer. The doctor said, “Well, you could become an Iowa Hawkeye fan because that will be the longest year of your life.”