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Texas is the hottest, richest chick around. She can have anybody she wants. If you land Texas, all of your dreams come true. What you don’t realize is that at the end of the day, you are going to be sitting outside of the dressing room at Nordstrom’s with your thumb up your ass holding her purse while she tries on a bunch of really expensive shit. If you can live with her wearing the pants in the family, then fine. But you’d better learn to like working for her daddy and having her tell you what to wear when you go to the club for dinner on Sunday nights.

OU is a hot chick with big fake tits who spends lots of time in the gym, but she’s a huge whore. The bad news is that OU will cheat on you. The good news is that OU doesn’t care if you cheat on her. It’s all fun and games until someone doesn’t practice safe sex or your neighbors are snickering at you behind your back because your girl got double teamed by a couple of conventioneers at the Anatole the week of the Cottonbowl.

A&M is somewhat good looking and intelligent, but completely bat shit crazy. You can’t tell if A&M is bipolar or just having really bad PMS. But either way, she is going to say and do a whole bunch of shit that is just going to leave you scratching your head or ducking for cover. A&M also has two really huge problems: 1) A&M thinks she is much hotter and much smarter than she really is; and 2) She’s got all sorts of issues with Texas. Both of those feed into her mania. You don’t know what you are getting with this nut job, but it wouldn’t surprise you if she cut off all of her hair and joined the SEC, and then 10 minutes later realized how bad she fucked up and came back to you in hysterics.

Colorado is the hippy chick who spends all day on Pearl Street dropping empty gas tank lines on the tourists until her father comes to pick her up in his Benz on the way home from his law practice. Colorado is desirable as long as you can duck batteries, put up with poor hygiene and don’t mind the smell of patchouli.

Tech is cute but has poor self esteem. If you pay any attention to her whatsoever, she will love you forever. She’s the type who gives you a smoker on the way to dinner and would be just as content to be your fuck buddy. The worse you treat Tech, the more she loves you.

Oklahoma State is a less attractive and sluttier version of OU. She might look pretty good if you’ve had a few drinks, and she’ll let you do anything you want to her in bed. You also might think that she’s rich, but then you find out that all of her credit cards are maxed out and she can’t afford the car she’s driving.

Baylor is overweight, homely and manipulative, and is always sticking her nose into your business where it doesn’t belong. Baylor will try every trick in the world to land the right guy. Baylor will lie, cheat, steal, backstab, blackmail, etc… and then justify it all by going to church on Sunday and asking Jesus for forgiveness. The worst part about Baylor is that she won’t give it up, but will try to cockblock you every chance that she gets.

Nebraska is a cougar who has lost her fastball and is jealous of the other hotter chicks (i.e., Texas). She just spent $2500 on botox and lip injections, and she now looks like the joker when she smiles. It’s sad to see such a former hottie act so desperately and what’s worse, she can’t decide whether she should try to hook up with an aging sugar daddy or go have a series of one-nighters with the drunk twenty-somethings she picks up at Midnight Rodeo.

Kansas is your classic butterface. Great body, but she looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. At the end of the day, the bad grill outweighs the nice tight ass, because you never want to take her out in public. The last thing you want is to wake up the next morning and have Kansas staring you in the face.

Missouri is cute, but not hot. She’s a nice girl and has a great personality, but needs to drop about 15 lbs. You can see how she could be more attractive, but she’s not ever going to be very sexy, no matter what she does. Missouri is the girl you feel guilty cheating on, but you do it anyway.

Kansas State is overweight and stupid. A few years ago when she lost a ton of weight and looked pretty good, you hooked up with her. Now, you look back and can’t even imagine that it is the same human being. You ignore her Facebook friend request and pretend you don’t recognize or remember her when you run into her in public.

Iowa State is the drunken fat chick at the end of the bar that is just happy to be out of the house. The other girls are nice to Iowa State, mostly because they all look better standing next to her. Iowa State is the type who gets stuck with the huge bar tab at the end of the night and goes home alone unless some really wasted chubby chaser ends up tagging her.

Take this test. Let’s see how good you are on “COMMON KNOWLEDGE.” No cheating! No looking around. No using anything on or in your desk. Can you beat 18 right? (The average.) Write down your answers and check vs. the correct answers (which are at the bottom of this e-mail), after completing all the questions. Remember now: No Cheating!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there? (Don’t laugh, some people don’t know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty’s torch?

4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell’s soup label?

5. What 2 letters don’t appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)

6. What 2 numbers on the telephone dial don’t have letters by them?

7. When you walk, does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?

8. How many matches are in a standard pack?

9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter- or clockwise?

12. Which way does a “no smoking” sign’s slash-mark run – towards the bottom right or bottom left?

13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

14. Which side of a women’s blouse are the buttons on?

15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?

16. Which way do fans rotate?

17. Whose face is on a dime?

18. How many sides does a stop sign have?

19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who’s missing?

23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

25. On which playing card is the cardmaker’s trademark?

26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts
the opening between the slats?

27. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?

28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols
bear no digits?

29. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter- or clockwise?

Don’t look at answers until you complete all the questions:

Answers:
1. Bottom
2. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!)
3. Right
4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold
5. Q, Z
6. 1, 0
7. Right
8. 20
9. Red
10. 88
11. Counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator)
12. Towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
14. Left
15. Top
16. Clockwise as you look at it
17. Roosevelt
18. 8
19. Left
20. 5
21. 6
22. Bashful
23. 8
24. Did you notice there was no # 24?
25. Ace of spades
26. Left
27. ONE
28. *, #
29. 3
30. Counter

So how did you do?

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought “CarNT”, but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same-sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask “are you sure?” before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.