Female Language

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.

NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with a huffy “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH): This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

(SOFT SIGH): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. OH!: This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that.” Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest. exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and “Go ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT’S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s OK” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. “That’s OK” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s OK.”

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, “You’re welcome.”

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A LOT,” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only say “Nothing.”

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings…

Never give up

The Donkey and the Well One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, my friend, all kinds of dirt. The trick is to shake it off and take a step up. Each trouble is a stepping stone. So don’t stop! Never give up! Shake it off and take a step up!

The Dilemma

The answer is below…

You are driving along on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman who is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man/woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose, knowing that there could ONLY be one passenger in your car? You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and therefore you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he/she once saved your life, and this would be the perfect opportunity to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream man/woman again. What do you do???

The Answer:
While there is no “correct” answer. The “ideal” answer is to give the car keys to the old friend, and let him/her take the old woman to the hospital. Stay behind and wait for the bus with the man/woman of your dreams. Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations (think outside the box). You are not always the victim in life, most of the time you are the victor looking at the situation from the wrong view! The view is yours to choose.

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN (by Dave Barry)

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 19. Your friends love you, anyway.

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters – who had to bear the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

==

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

==

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

==

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you’ve
forgotten?

==

Q: How old is your son, the one living with
you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t
remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

==

Q: What was the first thing your husband
said to you when he woke up
at morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

==

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he
doesn’t know about it until the next
morning?

==

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old,
how old is he?

==

Q: Were you present when your picture was
taken?

==

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

==

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

==

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

==

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a
beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

==

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.

==

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
A: Oral.

==

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an
autopsy.

==

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

==

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been
alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

More of the Joy of children

THE PHOTOGRAPH
“I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. “Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror—wearing nothing but a camera!”

MY FOOTSTEPS?
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr.Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

THUMB SUCKING
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.” Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh .. I know what you’ve been doing.”

THE LORD’S PRAYER
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord’s prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. “Lead us not into temptation, ” she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.”

SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

The JOY of Children…

For those who already have children past this age…this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age…his is a warning
For those who have not yet had children…this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Sunnyvale, CA.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN HONEST AND NO KIDDING:
1.A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.foot house 4 inches deep.

2.If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.One 3-year old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman-cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5.You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late.

8.Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10.Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11.Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12.Super glue is forever.

13.No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.

14.Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.VCR’s do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

16.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19.Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. Nor do bags of bread.

20.The fire department in Sunnyvale, CA has a 5-minute response time.

21.The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.

22.Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

23.Eggs in the shell and microwave ovens give a whole new meaning to scrambled.

24.A whole box of some detergents in a washing machine can fill a laundry room to the ceiling or cover a patio to the depth of ten feet if applied to a working hot tub.

25.It costs $358.00 to have water removed from the gas tank and fuel system of a Blazer.

26.In Sunnyvale the police question you if you take an accident-prone child to the emergency twice in three days.

27.It is virtually impossible to flush a cat down the toilet.

Dictionary Of Bar Phrases

1. “YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

2. “I’LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU.”
(Happy hour is about to end… beers are now a
dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. “HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?”
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way
to get your attractive friend into a compromising
position.)

4. “WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?”
(What’s cheap?)

5. “I’LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE.”
(FEMALE) (I’m easy.)

6. “I’LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE.”
(MALE) (I’m gay.)

7. “I’LL HAVE AN AMARETTO & OJ.” (
FEMALE) (I’m really easy.)

8. “I’LL HAVE AN AMARETTO & OJ.”
(MALE) (I’m really gay.)

9. “DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?”
(I want to make my friend really sick so we can all
laugh at him in the morning.)

10. “EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?”
(MALE TO FEMALE) (I am even willing to drink tequila
if it means I get to lick you.)

11. “EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?”
(FEMALE TO MALE) (If this is how wild I am in the bar,
can you imagine what I’ll do to you in bed?)

12. “CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?”
(FEMALE) (I am really annoying, but cute enough to
get away with this.)

13. “CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?”
(MALE) (It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an
hour ago. Hell, probably spent half my paycheck in
here last night, it is the least you can do for me.)

14. “I DON’T FEEL WELL, LET’S GO HOME.”
(FEMALE) (You’re paying more attention to your friends
than to me.)

15. “I DON’T FEEL WELL, LET’S GO HOME.”
(MALE) (I’m horny.)

16. “WHO’S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?”
(I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am
an expert at diverting attention.)

17. “EXCUSE ME.”
(MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

18. “EXCUSE ME.”
(MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going to grope you now and
blame it on the crowd.)

19. “EXCUSE ME.”
(FEMALE TO MALE) (Don’t even think about groping me,
just get the hell out of my way.)

20. “EXCUSE ME.”
(FEMALE TO FEMALE) (Move your fat ass. Who do you
think you are anyway? You’re certainly not all that,
missy, coming in here dressed like a ho. And get
your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you like the
slut you are, bitch.)

21. “THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR.”
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

22. “I DON’T HAVE MY ID ON ME.”
(FEMALE) (I’m 16.)

23. “I DON’T HAVE MY ID ON ME.”
(MALE) (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over
and blew a .4 after my last visit here.)

24. “NO, REALLY, I’M OK TO DRIVE.”
I’m wasted, and I’m too embarrassed to have anybody
see who I’m going home with.)

25. “I’M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS.”
(I can’t throw anything smaller than a pool cue when
I’m this bombed.)

26. “LET’S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES.”
(MALE TO FEMALE) (You would look great face down in my
lap.)

YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80’S IF….

You remember “Little Red Corvette”
You know what “Sike” means.
You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, Wax off”.
You know that another name for a keyboard is a “Synthesizer”.
You were only cool if you hung out at the Roller Rink and actually knew how to skate.
You can sing the McDonald’s Big Mack Filet-o-fish, quarter pounder, French Fry song while jump roping.
You wore 3-8 different colored socks in layers and thought that the more
You know who Mr. T is.
You actually believed for a minute that K.I.T. (The night rider) actually was real.
You know who Fat Albert is. ((((( hey hey heyyyyyyy!!!!!!= )))))
You wore fluorescent, neon clothing.
You could break dance, or wish you could.
You wanted to be The Incredible Hulk for Halloween.
You believed that “By the power of Greyskull,
You HAD = the power!”
Partying “like it’s 1999” seemed SO far away.
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
You wanted to be on Star Search.
You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.
You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some.
You HAD to have your MTV.
You always wondered why Tootie always wore those skates.
You actually thought “Dirty Dancing” was a REALLY good movie.
You watched Purple Rain over and over again. Your all time favorite movie was Footloose and
You actually thought that Kevin Bacon was HOT in it!!!
You remember the episode of Good Times when Flo broke down after James’ funeral.
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video = game system.
You own any cassettes.
You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living on the moon.
You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or any other stupid collection they came out with.
Poltergeist freaked You out.
You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunch box.
You have pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.
You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.
You thought UTFOs “Roxanne, Roxanne” song was the bomb!
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
You know what a “Push Up” ice cream is.
You had to come in the house when the street lights came on.

If you can identify with at least half of this list then You , my friend, are a “Child of the 80’s”. Send this to anyone that would appreciate going back to this wonderful decade.