Jokes

Texas is the hottest, richest chick around. She can have anybody she wants. If you land Texas, all of your dreams come true. What you don’t realize is that at the end of the day, you are going to be sitting outside of the dressing room at Nordstrom’s with your thumb up your ass holding her purse while she tries on a bunch of really expensive shit. If you can live with her wearing the pants in the family, then fine. But you’d better learn to like working for her daddy and having her tell you what to wear when you go to the club for dinner on Sunday nights.

OU is a hot chick with big fake tits who spends lots of time in the gym, but she’s a huge whore. The bad news is that OU will cheat on you. The good news is that OU doesn’t care if you cheat on her. It’s all fun and games until someone doesn’t practice safe sex or your neighbors are snickering at you behind your back because your girl got double teamed by a couple of conventioneers at the Anatole the week of the Cottonbowl.

A&M is somewhat good looking and More >

Take this test. Let’s see how good you are on “COMMON KNOWLEDGE.” No cheating! No looking around. No using anything on or in your desk. Can you beat 18 right? (The average.) Write down your answers and check vs. the correct answers (which are at the bottom of this e-mail), after completing all the questions. Remember now: No Cheating!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there? (Don’t laugh, some people don’t know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty’s torch?

4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell’s soup label?

5. What 2 letters don’t appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)

6. What 2 numbers on the telephone dial don’t have letters by them?

7. When you walk, does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?

8. How many matches are in a standard pack?

9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter- or clockwise?

12. Which way does a “no smoking” sign’s slash-mark run – More >

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you More >

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you More >

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer. He told him of the conflicting advice he had received,and asked what he should do. Let me tell you a story,” replied the Rabbi.

“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.’ But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: ‘Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.” The man did not understand:

“But Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?” “It doesn’t matter what you wear,” replied the Rabbi, “You’re going to get screwed.”