Brad Nash's Musings
Jokes
Jokes & Humor
More of the Joy of children
Jun 30th
THE PHOTOGRAPH
“I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. “Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror—wearing nothing but a camera!”
MY FOOTSTEPS?
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr.Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”
TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”
THUMB SUCKING
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.” Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh .. I know what you’ve been doing.”
THE LORD’S PRAYER
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord’s prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. “Lead us not into temptation, ” she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.”
SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
The JOY of Children…
Jun 30th
For those who already have children past this age…this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age…his is a warning
For those who have not yet had children…this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Sunnyvale, CA.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN HONEST AND NO KIDDING:
1.A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.foot house 4 inches deep.
2.If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.One 3-year old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman-cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5.You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late.
8.Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10.Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11.Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12.Super glue is forever.
13.No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.
14.Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.VCR’s do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
16.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19.Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. Nor do bags of bread.
20.The fire department in Sunnyvale, CA has a 5-minute response time.
21.The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
22.Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
23.Eggs in the shell and microwave ovens give a whole new meaning to scrambled.
24.A whole box of some detergents in a washing machine can fill a laundry room to the ceiling or cover a patio to the depth of ten feet if applied to a working hot tub.
25.It costs $358.00 to have water removed from the gas tank and fuel system of a Blazer.
26.In Sunnyvale the police question you if you take an accident-prone child to the emergency twice in three days.
27.It is virtually impossible to flush a cat down the toilet.
Caught cheating…
Jun 30th
Billy sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and
going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and
sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Billy finds this so exciting and can barely contain
himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother
excitedly.
“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND
AND DADDY AND…”
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear
the story.
So Billy tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to
look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on
the seat, then Daddy…”
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Billy, this
is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest
of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s
face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Billy to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing,
laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane
did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff do when
Daddy is out of town on business.”
Dictionary Of Bar Phrases
Jun 30th
1. “YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.
2. “I’LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU.”
(Happy hour is about to end… beers are now a
dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. “HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?”
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way
to get your attractive friend into a compromising
position.)
4. “WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?”
(What’s cheap?)
5. “I’LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE.”
(FEMALE) (I’m easy.)
6. “I’LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE.”
(MALE) (I’m gay.)
7. “I’LL HAVE AN AMARETTO & OJ.” (
FEMALE) (I’m really easy.)
8. “I’LL HAVE AN AMARETTO & OJ.”
(MALE) (I’m really gay.)
9. “DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?”
(I want to make my friend really sick so we can all
laugh at him in the morning.)
10. “EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?”
(MALE TO FEMALE) (I am even willing to drink tequila
if it means I get to lick you.)
11. “EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?”
(FEMALE TO MALE) (If this is how wild I am in the bar,
can you imagine what I’ll do to you in bed?)
12. “CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?”
(FEMALE) (I am really annoying, but cute enough to
get away with this.)
13. “CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?”
(MALE) (It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an
hour ago. Hell, probably spent half my paycheck in
here last night, it is the least you can do for me.)
14. “I DON’T FEEL WELL, LET’S GO HOME.”
(FEMALE) (You’re paying more attention to your friends
than to me.)
15. “I DON’T FEEL WELL, LET’S GO HOME.”
(MALE) (I’m horny.)
16. “WHO’S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?”
(I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am
an expert at diverting attention.)
17. “EXCUSE ME.”
(MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
18. “EXCUSE ME.”
(MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going to grope you now and
blame it on the crowd.)
19. “EXCUSE ME.”
(FEMALE TO MALE) (Don’t even think about groping me,
just get the hell out of my way.)
20. “EXCUSE ME.”
(FEMALE TO FEMALE) (Move your fat ass. Who do you
think you are anyway? You’re certainly not all that,
missy, coming in here dressed like a ho. And get
your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you like the
slut you are, bitch.)
21. “THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR.”
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
22. “I DON’T HAVE MY ID ON ME.”
(FEMALE) (I’m 16.)
23. “I DON’T HAVE MY ID ON ME.”
(MALE) (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over
and blew a .4 after my last visit here.)
24. “NO, REALLY, I’M OK TO DRIVE.”
I’m wasted, and I’m too embarrassed to have anybody
see who I’m going home with.)
25. “I’M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS.”
(I can’t throw anything smaller than a pool cue when
I’m this bombed.)
26. “LET’S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES.”
(MALE TO FEMALE) (You would look great face down in my
lap.)
YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80′S IF….
Jun 30th
You remember “Little Red Corvette”
You know what “Sike” means.
You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, Wax off”.
You know that another name for a keyboard is a “Synthesizer”.
You were only cool if you hung out at the Roller Rink and actually knew how to skate.
You can sing the McDonald’s Big Mack Filet-o-fish, quarter pounder, French Fry song while jump roping.
You wore 3-8 different colored socks in layers and thought that the more
You know who Mr. T is.
You actually believed for a minute that K.I.T. (The night rider) actually was real.
You know who Fat Albert is. ((((( hey hey heyyyyyyy!!!!!!= )))))
You wore fluorescent, neon clothing.
You could break dance, or wish you could.
You wanted to be The Incredible Hulk for Halloween.
You believed that “By the power of Greyskull,
You HAD = the power!”
Partying “like it’s 1999″ seemed SO far away.
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
You wanted to be on Star Search.
You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.
You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some.
You HAD to have your MTV.
You always wondered why Tootie always wore those skates.
You actually thought “Dirty Dancing” was a REALLY good movie.
You watched Purple Rain over and over again. Your all time favorite movie was Footloose and
You actually thought that Kevin Bacon was HOT in it!!!
You remember the episode of Good Times when Flo broke down after James’ funeral.
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video = game system.
You own any cassettes.
You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living on the moon.
You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or any other stupid collection they came out with.
Poltergeist freaked You out.
You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunch box.
You have pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.
You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.
You thought UTFOs “Roxanne, Roxanne” song was the bomb!
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
You know what a “Push Up” ice cream is.
You had to come in the house when the street lights came on.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then You , my friend, are a “Child of the 80′s”. Send this to anyone that would appreciate going back to this wonderful decade.
